What Is Life Coaching, Really?

The English language can be rather confusing. One of my favorite comedians, Ismo, who hails from Finland, has a hilarious way of highlighting just how misleading words can be. We latch onto a word and then apply it to so many different things that sometimes the true meaning gets lost.

As we all know, the word “coaching” is trending. So much so that it seems like everyone is a coach. We have financial coaches, athletic coaches, health coaches, sleep coaches, executive coaches, behavioral coaches and so on.

And because there is no regulation in the life coaching industry, too many people refer to themselves as life coaches without any formal training. A few years ago, I asked a woman about her training as a life coach when I was interviewing her to be my own coach. Her response was,

“My life has been my training ground.”

Yikes.

So, what actually makes someone a life coach?

As trained and certified life coaches, we come from the perspective that our clients have the answers inside of them. Our job is to facilitate that internal excavation through deep listening, curiosity, thoughtful questions, core values work and acknowledgment.

We give our clients the time and space to digest what is really going on with them and what they want for themselves. We encourage experimentation. We hold them accountable. We remind them that they are the experts of their own lives.

Our clients are the captains of their own ships. We hold them as naturally creative, resourceful and whole.

Many professionals who refer to themselves as coaches are doing excellent work. I once worked with a financial coach who was an expert in her field. She told me what to do, taught me how to do it and held me accountable. I loved it. I needed it.

Technically, however, she was not a coach. She was a consultant and teacher who happened to be incredibly supportive and kind.

So how is a coach different from a therapist?

As a trained therapist myself, the differences became especially clear when I began my own life coach training. I entered the room thinking I would be way ahead of the game because I was the only therapist in my group. To my surprise, I ended up being way behind.

I had to do a lot of unlearning.

As a therapist, I was trained to be the expert in the room. I was taught to offer advice and draw upon the many tools I had spent years learning. Therapy often involves looking backward, exploring history, putting puzzle pieces together, grieving, healing wounds and understanding how our past shapes our present.

And we need that work. Therapists are incredible listeners and create beautiful spaces for people to process, heal and be.

Life coaching is different. Coaching is primarily present and future focused. The ongoing question is, “What do I need to do to get from where I am now to where I want to be?”

I often engage in what I call “loving interruptions.” I believe we all need to tell our stories, but humans also have a tendency to go on and on without getting very far. Sometimes we get stuck on repeat. I call that the “hamster wheel.”

With loving interruptions, I guide my clients back to what is actually going to move them forward.

A good coach does not allow a client to stay stuck in a complaint. We name it, feel it and then ask, “What can we do about it?” We brainstorm solutions. We experiment. We create homework. We build accountability.

And sometimes, when I know my client well, I may tell them what I think (with their permission) and suggest something. They can always say, “No, I’m not doing that.”

And I celebrate the no.

I appreciate the pushback because it gives my clients permission to find their own strength and their own way.

Recently, I had a young client whose job search had become incredibly challenging and who was beginning to struggle emotionally. In a therapeutic setting, we may have spent more time exploring and processing those feelings and his history. In our coaching session, after listening to what was happening, we moved into curiosity and began brainstorming solutions.

Together, we created a plan for the week ahead. He identified some habits that were adding fuel to the fire and designed new ways to get out of the house, explore new things and incorporate more uplifting activities into his life.

The goal was not to tell him how to live his life. The goal was to help him see that he had choices.

Just as there are many different styles of counseling, there are many different flavors of coaching. I'm a trained therapist, trained in the co-active model, with extensive Gestalt training. Other coaches come from business, artistic or educational backgrounds. Some use highly structured exercises. Others are much more intuitive.

The longer someone works as a coach, the more likely they are to develop a style that feels authentic to them.

As the consumer, your job is to interview different coaches and find the style that aligns with who you are and what you want for yourself.

So, how do I operate as a life coach?

When I meet with a new client, we begin with a two-hour discovery session. This is where we establish the foundation for our work together. We explore the wheel of life, core values and, most importantly, what the client really wants.

There is a lot of dreaming involved.

For people who were never given permission to dream as children, or who stopped giving themselves permission to dream as adults, this can be a very new muscle. For this session, we invite logic out the door.

After the discovery session, we meet weekly for 50 minutes. I strongly encourage clients to be in touch between sessions when something comes up. Sometimes a quick exchange can help release a moment of stuckness rather than waiting an entire week to address it.

I'm all about prevention. Intervention happens because life happens, but we can often prevent problems from becoming bigger by addressing them early.

I offer little to no paperwork. My style is more kinesthetic and in the moment. I may send an article, meme, idea or something else that I think will resonate with a client.

At the end of each session, we co-create a homework assignment. If the homework does not get done, we get curious. It is never about punishment or shame. Sometimes there is a wealth of information in understanding why we did not do something.

The homework might be action-oriented or contemplative. Sometimes the most important assignment is learning to say no, building breaks into your day or simply going to bed earlier.

I believe coaching is about accountability, but it's also about respect. I make every effort to return inquiries within 24 hours because I believe it takes courage and vulnerability to reach out and ask for support. Everyone deserves a response.

The length of coaching is personal. I encourage a three-month commitment because lasting change takes time, energy, consistency and accountability. There is no contract, and many clients continue working together beyond those initial three months, eventually moving to every other week or once a month.

All sessions are confidential, with the standard exception when someone is at serious risk of harming themselves or another person. This is a sacred space.

I also offer a complimentary 15-minute meet and greet. It's an opportunity to learn more about coaching, my approach and whether we're the right fit for one another.

Ultimately, life coaching is about becoming more fully who you are.

It's not about fixing you because you're not broken. It's about creating the space to pause, get honest about what is no longer working, listen to what's calling you forward and make conscious choices about the life you want to live.

Sometimes we simply need someone beside us who can see what we can't yet see in ourselves. That is the invitation of coaching.

Not to change who you are, but to uncover more of who you can become.